Matthew 18:21

One day, Jesus was speaking to a group and explaining that if a person offends someone, they should first try to work things out directly with that person. If that doesn't work, they should involve the church in the process. He was describing a complicated system for making amends between two people.

Peter stood back, listening to the conversation. The dialogue reminded him of a similar situation in his own life. 

Apparently, someone was repeatedly offending and hurting Peter.

Peter is listening to what Jesus is teaching, and he begins thinking about his personal situation, trying to figure out how the two go together. When Jesus finishes, Peter pulls Jesus off to the side and says, "Jesus, I've got a question for you.”

How many times have we, like Peter, either mentally or out loud, said, "Jesus, I’ve got a question for you" when we struggle with the aftermath of being hurt?

Peter asked Jesus, "I heard what you said, but let me ask you this: How many times do I have to forgive?"

“I mean, where do I get to draw the line? How many times do I have to forgive a person who keeps hurting me over and over?”

Knowing that Jesus would be expecting a spiritual answer, Peter, trying to impress Jesus, asked, "What about seven times? Wouldn't seven times be enough?"

In asking the question, Peter revealed some confusion in his mind regarding the nature of forgiveness.

As we navigate through life and interact with various individuals, many of us have experienced the same confusion at some point.

Peter assumed that forgiveness benefits the offender.

If I want to do something nice for the person who has hurt me, I'll forgive them.

Peter says, "Hey, I'll stretch, I'll bend, I'll be a nice guy, I'll forgive seven times, but at what point do I get to draw the line and say, that's enough? Enough is enough; I can't do this anymore.”

Like many of us, Peter believed forgiving someone is doing them a favor.

When we are hurt, injured, betrayed, or stolen from, we always feel that the person who hurt us owes us something. We think something has been taken from us, creating a debt in the relationship.

If you feel comfortable in your small group, share some of your experiences in which you thought that the person or organization that hurt you owed you something. 

When recalling these memories, what internal reactions do you experience, such as tightness, increased heart rate, clenched teeth, or impending tears?

Whenever there is hurt, pain, or turbulence in a relationship, the innocent victim feels that someone owes them something.

What do we do? We follow Peter's example by holding on to it. We start building our case subconsciously, waiting for the person who owes us to come to us on their knees, begging for forgiveness.

We feel justified. After all, we’re victims. We were minding our own business, and this person came along and slashed us emotionally or hurt us physically.

Whenever these memories pass through our minds, we get angry. We then do something else.

We have imaginary conversations, which are great because we always appear good, especially when we put the offender down. Others are always listening and condemning this guilty person. 

We level them emotionally because we are angry.

Along the way, we may have been told that we shouldn't feel certain emotions because we're Christians. As a result, many of us tend to suppress these emotions because we believe we shouldn't feel that way.

Suppressed anger can lead to depression or intense outbursts, as it may still be lurking beneath the surface even when we think it's gone.

We often hold on to anger because we believe we are right, feeling justified. If someone suggests forgiveness, our defenses go up.

Why would I forgive them, after all they owe me? I don’t owe them forgiveness; they took from me. So, we hold on to our anger. 

Like Peter, we often ask ourselves: When is enough, enough? How many times do I have to forgive?

Jesus not only understood Peter’s confusion, but he also understands our confusion. 

In your small group, discuss the feeling of "How many times do I have to forgive?" Share how it makes you feel when asking this question.

Discuss the feeling of needing to forgive others repeatedly. Share the emotions that lead us to question how often we should forgive.

What do you believe Jesus meant by replying seventy-seven times? Have you ever felt like counting so you would know when you reached 78?

In response to Peter, Jesus immediately launches into a story. Jesus was skilled at this; instead of giving a direct answer to a clear question, he would tell a story.

If you have your Bible turn to Matthew 18:21. Jesus tells this somewhat strange story.

Let’s take a few moments and read this story Jesus launches into. 

We don't know what was going on in Peter's mind, but about two-thirds through the story, I'm sure Peter was beginning to figure out that things were not going in his direction.

To Peter, there is a bad guy out there who has offended me and continues to offend me. So, God and I will find a way to get back at this person. 

Peter starts to understand that in the story, God represents the king, and he is the ungrateful servant who has been forgiven a lot. The story's moral is, 'Peter, you have to forgive every single time, and if you don't, I'm coming after you.'

Wait just a minute! I've already been hurt. I already have someone after me. I've already been the victim, and you're telling me that if I don't yield to their demands and forgive them for something they don't deserve, you're coming after me, too?

Then there is verse 35. This is how Jesus wraps up the story, “This how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

I want to be as sensitive as I can be. This is such a heavy subject. I know that some of you today have been hurt deeply and perhaps for a for a long time. 

Jesus is telling us all: You have to forgive, or I’m coming after you.

How can you say that, God? I mean, I thought you were a good God. How can you be my enemy when I already have an enemy?

Here are the two reasons why. 

God has the boldness to almost threaten us to forgive because our loving Heavenly Father knows that refusing to forgive is like pressing the self-destruct button in our lives.

Holding on to anger, hurt, and bitterness can devastate your life. It’s only a matter of time.

Refusing to forgive and refusing to try and mend those ties is to chain yourself to the hurt and drag it into relationship after relationship. 

Your Heavenly Father knows and loves you so much, He says in uncertain terms, in a very threatening picture, that you must forgive. 

In your small group, take some time to share and discuss the thought that Jesus' statement that you’ll “be handed over to the jailers to be tortured” is not about the afterlife but is about us today unless we forgive from our hearts.

Discuss how unresolved forgiveness in past relationships can profoundly affect new relationships.